Okay dudes, this is the lowdown. Of course, you don't have to stick to this—it's only a lifetime's worth of experience and knowledge—but you never know. You might find somewhere amazing just by walking around, down some dark alley, or in a street off the main drag. Just beware of the scary things that lurk there.

Here's a link to a map that I made. You can edit it and update it with places you want to go: Google Maps Link

Someplace to Stay

Camden Town (North London): This is a pretty cool part of town. There is a market, lots of pubs, and great greasy spoons (breakfast). You'll find kebab (not kebob) and Indian restaurants.

Shoreditch or Bethnal Green (East London): This is a more up-and-coming area. It will be pricey but a good place to be, with lots around.

Clapham Common (South London): A bit out of the way; you'll have to cross the river for most things, but it's a good area with lots of great places to eat.

Peckham Rye (South East London): It's nice near the common, but just watch out; certain areas are a bit dodgy. Read the reviews.

Islington (North): Closer to where I lived, up the Piccadilly Line. It's convenient to get around and still has nice areas.

Food (The Only Reason to Travel)

Cafes

Pedro's Cafe: Wonderful greasy spoon. Make sure you order tea with your breakfast, black pudding, and everything else. Order the full monty.

The Regency Cafe: Another no-frills British breakfast caff. Don't make eye contact with the locals and hide your accents.

Normans: Great for more than breakfast—they’ll do Welsh rarebit, Guinness bread, and spicy chicken escalope sandwiches with spicy mayo.

Cabbie's Shelter: You'll find these occasionally. They are little green sheds where taxi drivers get a cup of tea and a bacon sandwich. There's a famous one in Russell Square that I've marked on the map. Don't be shy; just ask for what you want. Traditional to have HP sauce on a sausage sarnie and ketchup on a bacon sarnie.

Indian

Rasa: A great Indian restaurant. The hottest thing on the menu is a vindaloo, but go for lamb rogan josh or Britain's national dish—Tikka Masala.

Dishoom: Another beautiful Indian restaurant. You'll almost certainly have to book a table here, but the food will be like nothing you've ever tasted. Note: Most Indian restaurants are actually run by Bangladeshi families, except ones that serve Balti, which is a curry made in a small wok by Pakistani immigrants who settled in Birmingham.

Lunch and Sarnies

Rogue Sarnies: The one you saw on Instagram—mega sandwiches that will strain your elbow as you lift it to your gob.

Fish n' Chips

Master's Superfish: Where all the cabbies go. It's pretty good. I used to go there when I was coming back from an all-nighter pulling birds in Soho. Make sure you have a pickled onion, and mushy peas are de rigueur.

The Fryer's Delight: How all good chip shops used to look. There is enough formica here to make you feel like you never left Pittsburgh. If you're feeling adventurous, try a battered saveloy, pineapple fritter, or scampi (love scampi—just drizzle lemon on it and add black pepper).

Rock and Sole Plaice: Like a Northern chippy, which means you can have chips with curry sauce or gravy. This is more like a restaurant than a counter, but really good.

Sunday Lunch

Blacklock Shoreditch: Serves beef and Yorkshire pudding. Even if you're not there on a Sunday, you need to make this one of your meals. The Welsh lamb chops are good, and if they do kidneys or tongue, then give it a go. You'll go back for seconds.

Blacklock Covent Garden: Super touristy part of town, but if you find yourself here, then it's a good place to eat.

Pie & Mash Shops

Maureen's Pie & Mash: Freshly made. The liquor (a sort of herb gravy) is what makes them special. This is a Jewish place, so you get salt beef as well as traditional jellied eels. Stick some vinegar on it.

Goddards: Where all the spies from John le Carré novels go. You'll meet Gary Oldman here. Delicious. Walk through Greenwich Foot Tunnel under the Thames to get there. Also, go to Greenwich and see where GMT starts.

F. Cooke Pie & Mash in Hoxton: As traditional a Cockney geezer pie shop as you could get. I imagine the Krays ate pies here. Try the chili vinegar on your steak & kidney pie.

Pubs

Prince George: One of the worst pubs in London, full of students. Don't go there—or do—because it's alright.

The Rose & Crown: What you imagine English pubs are like. It has beautiful wooden interiors, a warm fireplace, and lots to drink. It's also a hotel where you can stay.

Camden Assembly: A pub in Chalk Farm. It is one of those really old, leather sofa, dark wallpaper places. It's great and totally authentic.

Bakery

Fortitude Bakehouse: Very nice. The beignets come out of the oven at 11 AM and will be sold out by midday.

Other Foreign Muck

Wong Kei's: Chinese restaurant in Gerard Street, Chinatown. The waiters are the rudest you'll ever meet.

The Good Egg: Middle Eastern food. This is a cool place in Stoke Newington where lots of artists and creative types live. Order shakshuka, which is a spicy egg dish with peppers and lots of paprika.

Places to Visit

Ted Lasso's Flat: Only on here because Kim said I should point it out. There's nothing here, but if you want to visit, then Richmond is nice.

The Photographer's Gallery: Somewhere I used to visit when I was at Uni. There's always something interesting to see, and it's free.

Little Venice: The canal part of London. Tucked away, it's nice to walk along, and there are some nice pubs.

Leadenhall Market: A proper old Victorian marketplace where you'll find incredible cooked meats, sausage rolls, pies, etc.

Wilton's Music Hall: One of the oldest Victorian music halls in London. I worked on a few films here. It's worth a visit, but check if it's open.

Museum of Brands: For Dan. It's graphic design through the ages from Britain. You can see all the branded goods from before the war to the present day.

Leighton House: Another place I filmed. It is stunning—a proper old mansion house.

Brick Lane Market: Traditional British market street where you'll find everything from women's knickers to Elton John CDs and everything in between. You might see lots of hipsters here—that's the only downside. If you're hungry, there's a Foodhall.

Print Club London: Where I learned to screen print. It used to have lots of cool workshop spaces and a gallery if you want to buy art.

Electric Ballroom: A great venue in Camden. Helmet is playing there—it’s the 30th anniversary of Betty.

King's Head, Crouch End: Where comics go to try out their stuff. The club is in the basement, and if you want to see comedy, this is the place. Pints are cheap too.

Blondies, Hackney: Another great music venue where I saw Primal Scream and Buzzcocks. There's a band called Dead Horse playing on Friday night.

Rugby Matches: You can watch rugby at Ealing Trailfinders or Saracens on the edge of London (long tube ride). Or go to The Stoop in Twickenham to see Harlequins play. You need to book via Ticketmaster, and don’t bring any knives.

Football Matches: If you want to see something cool, head to the Westway, where kids play under the highway in the cages. For proper games, see if you can get tickets for Crystal Palace at Selhurst Park, Fulham at Craven Cottage, or Queen's Park Rangers at Loftus Road. These will be slightly cheaper than Arsenal or Tottenham.

Outdoor Swimming: If you're brave enough, you can swim at Parliament Hill. The temperature will be around 6.5°C (43.7°F), and your balls will shrivel up like lychee. Also, Kenwood Ladies’ Pond is open to men too, and it is lovely, even in winter.

Alexandra Road: An incredible example of Britain's post-war brutalist architectural housing. It's in all the movies when you need a bit of urban decay. Take moody photos here.

Portobello Road Market: Full of antiquities and great cafes where you can enjoy a coffee or cup of tea.

Borough Market: Just around the corner from my mate Kerry's house. It's a place to hang out, eat more food, and have a drink. It's along the Southbank, which is a cool bit of London.

Primrose Hill: Great view of London. Tourists don’t know about this place—only locals. It’s a good spot for a walk.

Daunt Books: On Marylebone High Street, opposite the BBC. I used to go here on my lunch breaks. It's the most beautiful bookstore in the world.

Barbican: Another brutalist architectural wonder. It is so weird you won't believe you're in London. Most of A Clockwork Orange was filmed here.

Sir John Soane's Museum: In Hoxton. It is a treasure trove of incredible artifacts, most of them from other parts of the world. It is the best museum in London, and hardly anyone knows it's there.

Spitalfields Market: Another good spot for meat and delicacies.

Camden Market: A bit too touristy for me, but you can pick up some London presents for your family.

Things to Remember

Don't Tip: If you want to, you can tell the barman/maid to "have a drink on me," and they'll usually thank you and put a few quid into a pint glass. In restaurants, there will usually be a service charge, so don't tip twice. NOBODY tips in bakeries, coffee shops, cafes, or any shop—that's just weird.

Last Orders: Usually around 11 PM. Bar staff will ring a bell, meaning you can get one more round in before they kick you out. Watch out for times for the last tube or bus if you're staying out late.

Greggs: The best sausage rolls in the country. They're very cheap—you'll find them everywhere, like McDonald’s. Buy two for one and try the steak bake too.

Non-Fizzy Drinks: If Matt wants a non-fizzy soft drink, ask if they have barley water. Lemon flavor is great, but blackcurrant is nice too. Try Irn-Bru—it's Scottish. Remember, ALL cider is alcoholic; apple juice isn’t.

Avoid Tourist Traps: Madame Tussauds, London Dungeons, Oxford Street shops, Buckingham Palace, Tower of London, Covent Garden, London Eye, Leicester Square, bus tours, and any restaurants near Leicester Square are just shit.

A Few Requests

Pick up a copy of Saturday's Guardian from any newsagent.

Try Double-Decker chocolate bars, Cadbury’s Fruit and Nut, Yorkies, and McVitie’s Chocolate Digestive Biscuits. Don’t ask for cookies—these are only American choc-chip style.

Milk: We don’t have 2%. It’s semi-skimmed or skimmed milk only.

Tube Etiquette: Don’t talk at all on the tube (underground). It will single you out as visitors from another land, and for fuck’s sake, don’t talk loudly, even when enjoying food.

Apologies: Please don’t be alarmed by the number of people apologizing to you—they’re British.